Emotional Regulation in School-Age Children
Kids often seem in control, then suddenly become upset. Losing a game, a change in plans, or just a long day can quickly turn into an emotional outburst, or an irritable mood that leads to sibling fights.
Helping kids manage their emotions takes understanding where they are developmentally, modeling healthy ways to manage feelings, and a whole lot of patience.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotion regulation means noticing how you feel, understanding those emotions, and then finding a healthy way to calm down. For example, a child might say, “I’m mad because my game isn’t working,” and then take a few deep breaths or ask for help instead of yelling or throwing the controller.
Younger children often need adults to help them calm down. As children reach school age, they start to come up with their own ways to cope—like taking a break, talking themselves through a problem, or finding something else to do. Older children and teens continue to build on these skills. They usually recover more quickly, can describe their feelings more clearly, and need less help from adults to settle.
A key part of how this skill develops is co-regulation. In co-regulation, an adult actively helps a child through an emotional moment — for example, by staying present, offering comfort, or helping them find words for what they're feeling. Over time, these supportive moments can help children learn to calm down when they are angry or upset.
Why Reactions Can Be Bigger Than Expected
Reactions are often stronger when children are tired, stressed, or coming off a long day. Frustration, disappointment, or feeling overwhelmed can make it harder to think clearly in the moment. Complicated or demanding situations may also make emotional control more difficult.
The parts of the brain that generate strong emotions develop before the parts that manage them.
Some children have nervous systems that are more reactive to sensory input, such as noise, crowds, or transitions. Others have developmental differences that make regulation more difficult. For these children, the same strategies may need more time, more repetition, or a different approach.
What Helps Kids Handle Emotions
The foundation
For younger children, consistent routines for sleep, meals, and movement make regulation easier. For older children, involving them in planning routines and encouraging regular exercise, healthy snacks, and downtime can also help. Predictable routines often help the whole family because children know what to expect, making transitions easier.
During a reaction
One of the most helpful things a parent can do is to stay calm. When a child is overwhelmed, their brain has a harder time thinking or solving problems. Explaining or correcting in the middle of a big feeling usually does not help. Instead, being a calm presence and using fewer words can help your child settle more easily.
For a five-year-old who is sobbing over a broken granola bar, staying close and waiting quietly can help. For a ten-year-old who just slammed a door after losing a video game, giving them a few minutes before checking in can make it easier to talk about what happened.
What to say — and what not to
Saying something like, “You’re really frustrated,” helps your child feel understood in the moment. Telling a child how they should feel, or saying, “It’s not a big deal,” can make it harder for them to learn how to handle emotions. Punishing a child for showing strong feelings also hinders the learning of these skills.
Children learn to manage emotions by watching the adults around them model calm behavior, such as saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few breaths before I respond.” Hearing this out loud gives kids a clear example to follow. For older children, sharing your own coping strategies can open conversations about handling feelings and invite them to discuss what works for them.
Teaching children what to do is usually more effective than giving commands. For example, “We use gentle hands” gives a clear action, while “Don’t hit” only tells them what to avoid. With older children, explaining the reason behind a request can help. For instance, “We put the phone away at dinner because it’s the one time we’re all together.”
After the moment
After everyone is calm, help your child make sense of what happened. With a younger child, name the emotion as a starting point: “You were really angry.” With an older child, use open-ended questions to encourage reflection: “What was the hardest part of that for you?” or “What would you do differently next time?”
An upcoming post will share specific strategies for what to say during and after a reaction, more ideas for modeling regulation across different ages, and research-backed approaches that are most helpful.
When to Talk to Your Pediatrician
Emotional outbursts are a normal part of how children learn to manage feelings. Talking to your pediatrician is a reasonable next step if you notice:
Reactions across many settings, not just at home
Behavior interfering with school, friendships, or daily routines
Emotional reactions consistently bigger or longer than those of same-age peers
Irritable most of the time, not just in difficult moments
If something feels off but doesn’t fit the list above, bring it up anyway — your pediatrician has your child’s health and development history and can help make sense of what you’re seeing.
Emotional regulation develops gradually as children grow, with ups and downs along the way. Parents can support this process by modeling healthy ways to manage feelings.
Written by Heather Acevedo, MD
Last reviewed: March, 2026
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The information provided is not a substitute for individualized medical care. Always consult your child’s pediatrician or another licensed healthcare provider regarding any medical concerns or before making healthcare decisions. Never disregard or delay seeking medical advice because of something you have read on this website.
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